2017 was a great year for my family. We had our last baby, paid off a ton of debt, and went through so many changes. Gained new friends, lost some fakes.
Leaving LLR was one of the hardest thing I have done, that business was my baby. I loved (most) of my customers and for the first time I felt like I had worth. I loved my team, I loved the live sales, I loved paying off my debt, I loved all of it. It was literally the first time I felt like I was worth a damn. Every goal I set, I hit it. It was friggin life changing for me.
However, I completely lost myself. I hadn’t touched my camera in a year, and photography is my heart and soul I had been working hard before this to try to get better as a photographer and I had not touched the one thing I loved most because I was dumping 100% of me into my business. There was no family birthday party for my kids. I had not sewn anything and that is another thing I absolutely love. I had lost touch with my kids and my husband. Yet NONE of this was the final straw that made me leave.
About a week before my birthday I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. I have said for YEARS I do not want to be pregnant into my 30’s. If I wasn’t pregnant before my 29th birthday, I was going to get my tubes tied, and wouldn’t you know, a surprise positive DAYS before my birthday. That was the final straw. My anxiety while being pregnant was beyond out of control and I knew for a fact this was my last baby, which was later confirmed DURING my C-Section when I had a “giant hole” in my uterus. I needed to be done, and I shut down my shop. It killed me, it really did. 7 months later, I miss it. Walking away was something I’ll forever question.
All hell broke loose in my ‘friends’ life when I left. At that time, it felt like my world was crashing down around me and it continued to stop me from doing things I loved, like this Blog. I locked down my Facebook, and stopped writing here, because why the hell would I fuel the fires of people talking about me? But this year? I’m done with that.
This year, is the year for me. I am turning 30 this year, I can medically no longer have kids, which was pretty devastating for me. I was told flat out, I will die. Period. I’ve been pregnant and having babies since I was 16 years old. What now? Who am I now? This year is going to be for me re-discovering who I am, hell, figuring it out all together. I am going to become the Photographer I know I can be. Keep on being the mom I know I am. Become the best wife that I can be and fall in love with my husband again. My health is going to be a priority, and I’m very likely going to start a new business. I am going to take pictures every day, craft more, travel, and learn to love myself. I am completely done giving a fuck what other people think, and I am going to live for what makes me happy, and what is best for my family and myself, and it’s all going to be documented here. Less social medial, more face time. No more saying yes to shit I hate. Fear is not going to stop me from doing a damn thing. Here’s to a new year!